I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He better not be in your backpack
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
