now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
