that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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