i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize