The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
