I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
