he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
