Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
