farters have to be the big spoon...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
