after a month anything with tits is on the radar
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
