Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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