This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
