woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
