I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
