my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize