so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize