Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
