The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
