Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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