I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I cockslap morals
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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