Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I won the penis lottery.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
