i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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