About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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