My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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