Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
