Sry I called you an 8
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
