Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
