this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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