Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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