I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
So. Much. Porn.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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