On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
