I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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