Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
