I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
