take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
