All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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