I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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