I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
