So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize