Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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