i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
