shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
