mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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