He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
