And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
