it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
