I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
