That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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