At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
