I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Best friends brother. Beat that.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
