I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
