It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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