hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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