Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
