did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
