Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
