the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize