just tell him i said nine months
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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