im six kinds of drunk right now
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
