nutella sex= disaster
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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